In Control by Jane Monckton Smith

Author:Jane Monckton Smith
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing

Routine and ritual

If you want to see a poignant sketch on the workings of routine and ritual just watch Pauline Collins and Bernard Hill talking about ‘chips and egg’ in the film Shirley Valentine (1989). The eponymous Shirley gives her husband chips and egg for his tea on a Thursday, when it’s meant to be steak and chips for tea on a Thursday, and chips and egg for tea on a Tuesday. Her husband, Joe, played by Hill, gets very agitated when not only is his tea late, but it’s also the wrong meal. He ends up angrily shoving the food at her, and it spills into her lap.

Later in the film Shirley leaves Joe to forge a new life for herself in Greece, and we hear him accusing her of making him a laughing stock. The understated realities in this film are well observed and capture some of the nuances of coercive control.

I thought of that chips and egg scene when I met Pete: his personal insight into his own situation was enlightening for me. Just as the jealousy and loyalty codes open the door to instilling and maintaining control, routine and ritual function not only as methods of control, but as an early-warning system to perpetrators that their control is being challenged. Pete and I met to talk about his life: given his situation, this was a big step for Pete. He knew that he was unhappy and he knew that his marriage was not good; he also knew that he wanted to leave his wife.

I think Pete knew what was wrong, but he did not trust himself; it was as if he needed some validation. He needed someone else to say: ‘This is not right.’

We sat next to each other in a coffee shop and nobody would have guessed what we were talking about. Pete is a professional man who has responsibilities in his place of work; he does not appear to be subservient or lacking in confidence in any way. Many women in this position who sit and talk with me disclose how frightened they are. But Pete doesn’t say this; he doesn’t tell me he is frightened.

‘So what prompted you to want to talk to me?’ I ask.

He smiles and looks down for a couple of seconds, then looks me straight in the eyes. ‘I’m not allowed to choose what I eat; it’s so tightly controlled,’ he says. ‘I’m not even allowed to say how much I want. She cooks when she gets in. I don’t always know when that will be, but I have to wait.’

Pete stops talking for a minute, just thinking, organising his experience into something that makes sense, maybe for me, but probably, and more importantly, for him.

One thing I know is that this is not about eating, and it isn’t just about Pete’s wife – who he has been married to for twenty years – controlling his diet. It is much bigger than that.

‘I brought home some pre-packaged stuffed mushrooms one day,’ he continues.

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